


Ten Ways to Stop the Red Wedding

by WinterIsComing (CrystalNavy)



Series: A Song of Ice and Crack [1]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Canon Divergence - Red Wedding, F/M, Gen, Mel's shadowbaby finds a boyfriend
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-23
Updated: 2020-02-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:41:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22378879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrystalNavy/pseuds/WinterIsComing
Summary: Just as it says on the tin.
Relationships: Joyeuse Erenford/Walder Frey, Roslin Frey/Edmure Tully, Talisa Maegyr/Robb Stark
Series: A Song of Ice and Crack [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1610893
Comments: 1
Kudos: 17





	1. Attack of the Fans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the fans attack, no one is safe.

Everything was ready. The doors were closed. The musicians started playing. Everyone was drunk enough to forget everything, including their own name. They were chatting relentlessly. Then the doors opened and a group of strangely dressed men and women entered. They were carrying torches and pitchforks. They advanced towards Lord Walder Frey.

"You, Walder Frey, have pissed off the wrong people." one of them said "In the name of Robb Stark fandom, we sentence you to die."

"I didn't agree to this, Jenny." another said "I am here for the fine piece of ass that's Talisa."

"Well, you can keep your opinions to yourself." Jenny said harshly

"I am here because they were planning on killing the Imp's good brother." yet another said 

"The wine shall flow red, like blood."

"Let's kill the Freys and be done with it."

"Let me feel Talisa's booty."

"The Imp! The Imp!

"Chaos is a ladder."

"That's Lord Baelish's catchphrase." one of the people gasped "You are a spy/secret fan of Lord Baelish."

"Arrest him!"

"Winter is coming!"

"Slay Ramsay!"

"Theon didn't deserve his fate!"

Soon, the disagreement turned into an all-out brawl.

"Should we stop it?" Catelyn looked concerned

"Nah." Roose sipped his wine "I am actually enjoying this."

"Kill the Bolton!"

"On the other hand, it might be prudent to put an end to it." Roose quickly amended


	2. The Call of Nature

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three men go outside to pee. They end up surviving.

A man's bladder was a curious thing. And this man's bladder was uncomfortably full. 

Brynden 'the Blackfish' Tully couldn't hold it in any longer.

"I am going outside to pee." he said

"I am coming with you." Robb Stark said "Too much drinking has unwanted consequences after all. I never should have agreed to the drinking contest with Greatjon."

They were both visibly swaying on their feet, trying to keep their bladders from leaking then and there.

"Aye." Greatjon rose as well, swaying on his feet "M' never gonna do it again either."

And so, the three men made their way outside, gritting their teeth as they tried to hold it in.

They stepped outside and the doors closed behind them. 

They lowered their breeches and undergarments and they looked relieved as a distinct yellow liquid trickled down into the dirt. After the deed was done, they dressed themselves up again.

"So what do we do now?" Greatjon asked "Ow!"

An arrow was sticking from his shoulder.

"Watch where you're aimin'." Greatjon muttered "Bloody Frey."

"Oh, I am sorry. I wasn't aiming at you." an expendable Frey soldier #33 said "I was aiming at that little prick over there."

Robb Stark and Brynden Tully stared at him.

"Ya think you can make random promises and then break them left and right, do you?" an expendable Frey soldier #33 slurred "Well, you can't. You're but a kid. Any last words, oathbreaker?"

"I did what I had to do." the King in the North said

And then promptly passed out from drinking, with an arrow stuck in his noggin.

"Yay!" an expendable Frey soldier #33 shrieked in joy "I've killed that little prick!"

"Right." Greatjon said "Now we'll just take his body outside to bury."

"Yes." Brynden Tully agreed "May we?"

"Oh, of course." an expendable Frey soldier #33 agreed "Woo!"

Greatjon and the Blackfish lifted the 'body' and carried it out of the Twins.

Then they promptly awoke Robb Stark by splashing him with cold river water.

"Well, that was a lucky break." Robb Stark said 

"Aye." Brynden Tully agreed "And it was all possible because we needed to pee."

"Indeed." Greatjon agreed "But we still need to get out of here, so don't count your chickens just yet."

And then they made themselves scarce.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by a scene from the show. Sorry not sorry.


	3. Third Time's the Charm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing and no one could have prepared him for this.

Tywin Lannister wrote letters. While he wrote, he noticed something peculiar.

His hand was going numb, possibly from the strain of writing.

Then the numbness spread to his jaw, and he knew that this was not because of any strain.

He had been poisoned.

As the numbness spread to his throat and lungs, Tywin Lannister managed a few short intakes of air.

Then he couldn't breathe anymore.

Black spots danced across his vision.

And then he succumbed to the sweet embrace of death.

A man suddenly stood before him, tracing a cross over his heart with a finger.

"Valar Morghulis." the man whispered

The third name had been spoken.

The sacrifice had been given.

The man could now return home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, I just had the mastermind behind the whole thing killed off. And honestly, fuck Tywin. If he could arrange for someone as nice and honorable as Robb to get killed, then I have no qualms about Jaqening him. >.>


	4. Of Shadows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rules are made to be broken.

Robb Stark and Catelyn Stark were surrounded by men wielding arrows and swords. Walder Frey was seated on his high seat, munching on a chicken leg and watching the whole thing unfold will an expression that would make all the villains weep. 

"Dude, are you on drugs?" his wife asked him

"Nah." Walder Frey smirked in a way that would make Voldemort proud "My Kill-A-Stark-O-Meter has reached the highest level."

He nodded to the weird-looking clock in the corner of the room. Instead of numbers, there were faces of assorted Starks on the surface. The faces of Ned Stark, Lyanna Stark, Rickard Stark, Brandon Stark, Catelyn Stark, Talisa Stark and Robb Stark had been removed.

That was when the door opened, from the outside.

"Dude, it shouldn't have been opened from the outside." Black Walder Frey complained

"Hear me roar!" the little man standing in the doorway said

His hands were on his hips and he wore an expression of pure anger on his face. Which, combined with his height made him adorable. Like a pouting child.

Greatjon Umber smirked. 

"I see a little person....." he sang, swaying his hips 

Everyone stared at him at horror, knowing what was coming next. Everyone except Tyrion and Robb, that was.

"Roose Bolton, Roose Bolton, would you dance for me?" Tyrion sang, extending his hand 

"Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality!" Robb sang in a satisfying bass 

"Shadows in their eyes, the fear in their hearts!" Greatjon bellowed "Nothing is more beautiful!"

An errant shadow baby glided into the hall, wrapping itself around Black Walder Frey. Then it jammed a blade into his throat.

Meanwhile, Robb, Tyrion and Joyeuse had begun dancing in a circle, arms wrapped around one another.

"ROBB STARK!" Walder Frey bellowed from his seat "NOT ONLY DID YOU BREAK YOUR OATH TO ME, BUT YOU'RE MAKING MOVES ON MY WIFE!"

"Dude, chill." Joyeuse rolled her eyes "We are just dancing, is all."

"NO!" Walder Frey screamed "HE MUST BE PUNISHED! I had planned to do this a little later, but oh well. ARCHERS, FIRE! KILL ROBB STARK!"

Tyrion had broken off from the circle, and was currently dancing with the shadow baby, and both of them had hearts in their eyes.

Then Roose Bolton's head exploded, and his brains were splattered all over the wall.

"Heh." the lead singer/assassin removed his disguise "You've been punk'd, bitches!"

In the confusion, Robb Stark had grabbed his wife's hand and they were making it towards the door.

"Oh no you don't." the door guard, who happened to be Merrett Frey, moved to intercept them. Only for the shadow baby to rip his throat out with a pair of tweezers. 

Robb and Talisa made it outside and ran towards the woods.


	5. Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What would have happened if some people had the chance to speak.

"Edmure." Roslin whispered frantically to her husband-to-be "Forget the bedding. We should go downstairs."

"Don't worry, my lady." Edmure soothed her, thinking she was afraid of consummation

"Edmure." Roslin said a little more forcefully "We need to go downstairs. We need to go downstairs now."

Edmure began to take off her clothes.

"EDMURE TULLY!" Roslin slapped him "Listen to other people for once! If we don't go downstairs, you'll regret it for the rest of your life."

Edmure finally looked at her. Really looked at her. He saw terror in her eyes. And he finally realized that it wasn't the consummation of their marriage that truly frightened her.

"All right." he relented "We'll go downstairs."

The smile on her face became more genuine. 

And as they came downstairs, Edmure Tully realized just how much Roslin Frey truly loved him.

With a furious cry, he leapt into the fray. 

"Stark men!" he called "Stark men, to me!"

They got into defensive formation, forming a circle around Robb and Catelyn.

"CROSSBOWMEN!" Roslin shouted "I AM THE GRANDDAUGHTER OF THE MAN WHO HIRED YOU! I ORDER YOU TO CEASE FIRE IMMEDIATELY!

The assassins looked from her to her grandfather in confusion.

"Protect Robb and Catelyn!" Edmure roared

"For the King!" a familiar voice yelled 

Olyvar was at the door, with Grey Wind and two people Roslin didn't recognize. 

"We've taken care of all the guards, Your Grace!" Olyvar called out "Hurry, and let's get out of here!"

Robb ran, while Edmure, Roslin and the others covered his escape. Soon he was next to the doors.

"Let's go." one of Olyvar's companions said

Robb knew that voice. He heard it many times in Winterfell.

"Arya?"

"Aye, it's me." his sister confirmed "Thank god we came just in time to free Olyvar and Grey Wind and rescue you."

"We?" Robb frowned

"This is Sandor Clegane." Arya introduced "You know him as the Hound. He brought me here to ransom me off to you."

Robb's eyes became impossibly wide.


End file.
